Investigative Research and Support for Qualifying Groups and Associations

Questions about the Grey Ribbon Technique

Who is this Grey Ribbon Technique presentation intended for?
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Here we continue to respond to feedback (questions) about the the presentation of the Grey Ribbon Technique. See Qnum 1

Q.) It [the Grey Ribbon Technique presentation] is basically a message from the sender to the receiver accusing them of being guilty of everything detailed while the sender is being characterized as being completely innocent in any wrong doing regarding everything detailed.

This observation (above) reveals presumptions of the contributor that are inappropriately presented as facts.

It is not "basically a message from the sender to the receiver". It is a presentation of the proposed technique, intended and addressed to and for the benefit of someone who might think the described circumstances are something they are experiencing being on the receiving end of, and who is looking for a relevant management tool and technique.

We do not necessarily recommend the presentation, itself, to be the best tool as the initial notification to a particularly identified party that you have what you consider to be issues with them that qualify as described in the presentation. Of course it can be used that way, and probably will, but we don't recommend that it be used that way unless the delivery is preceded by and accompanied with appropriate explanations and caveats.

For example....

Kyle, as you are aware, I have, for quite some time now, believed that you have exhibited behavior towards me that is disrespectful, and that there is strong evidence to suggest that you are or have been contributing to conversations behind my back in ways that undermine me unfairly and illegitimately.

I have asked numerous times if we could discuss this and explore it more thoroughly and fairly, and you have consistently declined or avoided those opportunities. It continues to get back to me that you are representing to others that there is nothing of any consequence that needs to be resolved between us and that my notions to the contrary are just illusions all in my head.

Most recently, someone just asked me why I cheated on my former wife in casual dialogue at a family function hosted by you. I thanked them for the sincerity of their question and explained to them that I had respect for the fact that they addressed it to me, personally, at the first opportunity they had, unlike many others in the family who I am plainly aware have been having this conversation for years with others behind my back.

I was grateful for this opportunity. It gave me the chance to point out that I didn't cheat on my wife, and that representations to the contrary are malicious lies. I asked them who told them that I cheated on my wife. They said they didn't want to disrupt your celebration and so, for that reason, declined to answer that question.

This and numerous other instances, including your own inadvertent confessions and written evidence shared with me by others, has me quite convinced that you have and are continuing to engage in dialogue, behind my back, that is offensively unfair and egregiously damaging.... while attempting to convince me, while in person, that you care for me and want us to be close.

Now, you have invited me to your upcoming wedding celebration. I have declined on the basis of this glaring evidence of wrong doing and malice towards me... combined with your consistent refusal or avoidance of the suggestions and opportunities I have requested to talk this through and get to the bottom of it.

Since you seem unwilling to accept my reservations about attending your wedding, and since I care about you and want to be supportive, without silently endorsing accusations made against me by showing up as if there is nothing wrong between us, I suggest that I come with a grey ribbon on my lapel. It will represent my acceptance of your choice not to discuss what you don't want to discuss, and my desire that my attendance and good nature at the wedding not be inappropriately construed to mean that no outstanding issues remain between us to be resolved.

This is called the Grey Ribbon Technique. It has been recommended for situations that I believe to be much like ours. If you would like to learn more bout how it is recommended to be used you can learn more here "inSite21.com/greyribbon"; I would very much appreciate your feedback and learning if you agree that it applies to our situation.

If you remain steadfast in your desire that I come to your wedding, in the absence of these matters being resolved, I am happy to come and be a good natured part of the celebration with a grey ribbon on my lapel. If anyone asks about it, I will make a friendly light diversionary comment like "it's Raiders Colors"... since it's none of their business and the point is not to make you feel awkward on your wedding day.

If you believe the ribbon on my lapel would be too awkward for you, I am happy to not come to your wedding out of deference to your feelings.

Sending Kyle a link to the Grey Ribbon Technique pages, with that explanation, is quite a different thing than just abruptly telling him to go there without any idea why you would suggest such a thing. Using this grey ribbon technique puts a profoundly effective "check" on manipulative avoidance of conversations about abusive two faced backstabbing and gas lighting.

It appears that the contributor presumed that Kyle would simply be slapped in the face with the grey ribbon with no explanation, which is clearly a conclusion about our proposal that is unwarranted by anything said in the proposal.

As to the "characterization [of] complete innocence" referred to by the contributor.... There is no such characterization in anything presented. That suggestion smuggles a notion of piety and hypocrisy into the consideration of our proposal that is more reflective of the contributors own bias, than anything found in our proposal.

We do not nor should you profess innocence of anything that might contribute to difficulties in conversation. We do, however, profess adherence to certain values that compel a duty to moral accountability, even where our conversational imperfections may not contribute to that being the most comfortable experience.

We have little respect for the justification of avoidance of accountability for serious offenses, on the basis of the awkwardness that exposing ones self to the well deserved criticism, disappointment, and resulting conversational imperfections that are likely to be part of that experience, might bring.


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